The other day Tanisha-Who's-Not-Really-Tanisha and I were sitting on my bed discussing waxing our legs. I have never done such a thing before because I'm terrified that it will hurt and I'm a pretty big wuss and I know I'd scream. She says it's not that bad and that if you do it enough the hair just won't grow back. We then started talking about people who wax their arms. This led to my studying of my fine, blond, invisible but abundant arm hair. I then decided it would be a good idea to tell Tanisha about my thoughts when I was younger. I told her that when I was a kid (a ginormous span of my life; hence the use of 'ginormous') I used to really, really love my arm hair because it made me feel like a monkey. And I've always wanted to be a monkey. Named Calypso. Who lived in a treehouse.
I was a bit of a tomboy for a time in my life which was due to the influence of my older brother who was my best friend until he got too cool to hang out with me, but that's a different issue. In my boyish youth I would clamber over rocks, trudge through swampy, soggy ground and try to climb trees. I probably would have been a really good tree climber if I had more suitable trees to practice on. It's hard to be a monkey growing up in central Ontario. All the trees are maple. Maple trees don't have branches lower than a million feet off of the ground. I'm short and a pretty useless jumper. So I mostly stayed on the ground.
I used to get really tanned from spending so much time outside, which was great because then I was more monkey coloured instead of pasty white. Now that I wish I was slightly more tanned so that I can wear white and not look like a ghost, I burn. Maybe I'll go back to wishing I was a monkey. I'll let you know how that goes.
As time progressed, my dreams of reversing evolution faded. I couldn't climb anything, the mosquito population tripled and I was getting too big to clamber on the furniture and hide under the bed. My sister and I began to play more sophisticated role-playing games and I discovered that if I couldn't be a monkey, I still wanted to be hella cool and wild. I wanted to be a badass. I was always a bitch with family issues and I always had the lead role in our games. Sophie, I apologize for being bossy and making you do my bidding under threat of playing alone. I was horrible. But it was only because I was too polite and shy to actually be a badass in real life. I got over the shyness and I'm polite when I should be, but I'm more like I once wished I was. This is probably not a good thing, but we'll deal with problems when they arise.
So shaving my legs with Tanisha's company led to all of these memories and past ambitions bubbling up in my mind. And I realized two things:
1. Even though my arms still have fine hair on them I am not, and never will be a monkey
2. I can't get up the nerve to wax my legs because I'm a wuss. I am not, and never will be a true badass
Both of these things are for the best. For me, and the world.