I HAD SOMETHING FUNNY TO TELL YOU

Naturally, I got completely sidetracked and don't remember what it was. At all.
I do know that it would have made you laugh.
I read Mindy Kaling's "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" and basically died it was so funny. Funny in an "I definitely wrote this in my sleep and submitted it under her name because WE ARE SO THE SAME" kind of way.
That wasn't the funny thing I was going to report, but I thought it might be worth mentioning that if you are looking for a light, fun read then I suggest that. I recommend reading it in public; making passers-by uncomfortable about the Crazy Person sobbing "It's so funny because it's true!" really completes the reading experience.

As I have this page open to hopefully remember what it was I was going to say, I am simultaneously trying to finish a linguistics assignment. I am struggling because I don't pay attention in class (speaking of not paying attention, the psychologist(?)-lady with whom I spoke about this to yesterday [I just trapped myself in the ninth ring of grammar hell - Preposition Stranding- for like, 3 minutes trying to make sure I didn't desert any preps in finial position. I still don't think I got it quite right] thought I was hilarious and wrote a whole bunch of stuff on her notepad because that's what her job is. At one point she laughed so hard I didn't think we would ever get back on track [not that that is EVER a concern for me. I never end up where I was planning to. <----stranded preps. Oh noooooooo!] and she flipped her paper over and said "I have to write that down. It's not going on your file, I just need to write it down because it's so funny." Thanks Mary, I think I'm friggin' hilarious too.) Also, I think I need to invent some more parenthetical symbols for my thoughts within thoughts within thoughts. I hate these ones: { }. They look like faces who hate each other so much they can't even stare at each other across my words, and thus are ignoring me and what I'm writing between them. Like, come on Parentheses (what are they actually called? They probably have some fancy Latinish names. Like The Caesar and The Brutus), get over whatever the problem is and look interested in what I have to say. Otherwise I'll start using exclamation marks and percentage signs to indicate when I'm jumping off more tangental branches. Actually, I think I am definitely on to something here... If it's a "Hey this idea would make me a millionaire!" kind of thought I could put it between dollar signs. Circa $Patenting use of other, slightly relevant symbols as parentheses!$

I have been listening to a lot of Kesha these days. Let's forget this ever happened.

Where was I going with this?
Not paying attention in class. Right.

So because I don't pay attention I have trouble remembering what everything means when I'm reading the assignment questions and struggle with that. Then I have to search for online lessons and study guides and stuff and that involves google searches and that unavoidably leads to me watching videos about how Pterodactyls still fly free over Nevada.
(I just realized I said "circa" again. It's been, like, years since that last happened [when it happened hourly]. I still use it wrong, but I like my way so much better)
I found a study guide that looks like it's written for a slightly ADD layperson !much like myself! and was all "Oh good, I'll be golden after I read this!"

You guys, all the examples relate to superheroes.

I was ecstatic, and I'm not even exaggerating at all (and that basically never happens). Mad props to authors Laura E. Hughes and Anna Gartsman.

And then I read the phonetic alphabet example chart and then had to send this string of texts to one of my most favourite friends because I knew he'd laugh and that's my daily goal (this is like Conversations With My Sister with significantly less familial relationship [thank god] He doesn't respond either):

11:35 - One of the phonetic example words is "spandex". I actually spit tea everywhere. Understanding Librarian looked at me and shook her head like "Oh that Siobhan... such a card."  Like she's known me forever or something.
11:46 - I think there is a lot of caffeine in an extra large steeped tea maybe?
12:01 - This blog post is the single finest piece of literature I have ever concocted. Like a potion. It is quintessentially me
12:01 - Jesus I am on such a roll today.
12:01 - Like a fuckin' word hero
12:02 - I hope that you think that I am at least half as humorous as I find myself

For the record, he's at work. That's why he didn't reply. I promise he's real.
And he does think I'm pretty funny.
Because, you know, I need encouragement in that department.

THE DIMINUTIVE TERM "HANKY" MAKES IT NO LESS DISGUSTING

Today when I got to school I witnessed a guy get out of his car and immediately blow his nose into a dirty, blue grey? blue dishwater-coloured handkerchief.
Um.
Gross.
I get that it's allergy season. Believe me. My ears are driving me freaking insane. My lungs aren't working properly because they're all "Oh crap. Oh no. Oh shit. Pollen. You guys. Guess who's back. Back again. POLLEN."
I understand allergies.
I also understand that Kleenex has been making snot/tears their business since 1924. NBD. Except that it is. They have freakin' got this under control.
Maybe this dude is just nostalgic for a time before disposable facial tissues?
 No. 88 years is plenty long enough to adjust to the new form of mucous management. PS, he was 32 years old AT MOST.
Don't tell me about the environment. I know all that. And I know that my immune system is fairly useless. Carrying around a moist ball of fabric and germs and god knows what else in your pocket does not endear you to me. Kleenexes will dissolve. My failing midterms due to 103 degree fevers will not.
Lastly, that hanky was disgusting.

It looked like the bottom of my sweatpants after I eat chicken wings sans napkin.

TO ME!!!!!

I'm too adorable to be obnoxious. But just barely.

TOMORROW

Is my birthday.

But I'm not excited or anything.


I am a liar. I am totally excited.

NO COMPLAINING, JUST A GOOD CAUSE!!

So I completely got roped into this by my coworkers before I even knew what was really happening, but I'm completely on board. We're raising money for local support programs for kids and teens. They say I don't have to run. It will be fun. Check out my profile and some information about the event and Boys and Girls Club by following this here link:
http://bgccan.akaraisin.com/pledge/Participant/Home.aspx?seid=5146&mid=9&pid=976178
And if you want to donate any amount at all to sponsor me in the race then you can do that there too and THANK YOU SO MUCH

NONONONONONO THIS IS NOT RIGHT

Generally speaking, I hate sewing with patterns. The instructions are basically throw-away-immediately -I'm-useless quality. The amount of alteration required once you actually sew the garment is usually so intensively I usually just feel that starting from scratch and inventing a pattern as I go takes the same amount of time in the end. 

Regardless, I bought a pattern today. I am making my Birthday Dress (there might be cupcakes involved) and I needed some help with the skirt part. As much as I love twirly circle and half-circle skirts, I need some different silhouettes in my wardrobe repertoire. So I picked this one: 

I don't know WHAT they were thinking with that pink silk monstrosity. It puckered like a bitch and the fly looks super awkward. Jeeze Burda, Nina Garcia would be all over your ass right now about  knowing your fabrics well enough to make wearable garments. Get it together.

Anyway, I started to cut the pattern out once I got it home and the line went on FOREVER. Kidding, it wasn't forever, but it was long enough for me to shout "Why is this so long? What is this?! A pattern for pants?!" Then I laughed because Zoolander is always so funny. And then I checked. It IS a pattern for pants. The pattern in the package is not at all what I paid for. These pants were just hiding in the skirt package waiting to spring themselves on some unsuspecting victim. They had to hide to be sold, because they are HORRIBLE. 

Behold: 

To borrow a quote from my favourite bloggers, "Pants what?"* 

I can't even...

Like... 

Sweet Caroline.

This is a heinous crime. These pants, I mean. They are terrible.

So.... does anyone want a pair? Maybe if I make them in baggy-shiny silver we can pretend they're Flash Pants?

PS: Patterns are non-returnable, and non-refundable. Whatever, I'll pay my $5 to get the skirt pattern, BUT WHAT DO I DO WITH THESE PANTS. Honestly.

PPS: I'm beyond elated that the Youtube clip caught the end of "1001 Dads." Arthur saying  "I have egg on my face!" is prime.

*Holy Moly, I actually just re-checked the Pants What link... THEY ARE THE SAME PANTS. I HAVE A PATTERN FOR FERGIE PANTS. NO GOOD SHALL COME OF THIS!

A LITTLE BIT LIKE ORANGE JUICE

Vitamin D Synthesis at its Peak

I CAN'T TELL

If that's Celine Dion humming or a violin.

Or both.

I think its both.

Whatever. I can tell that with all the apartment cleaning and belting out of theme from Titanic that this Sunday is going to be fairly productive.

THE ZIPPER IS LIKE SHARK TEETH!!

Yes, it's as friggin' comfortable as it looks. Jelly yet?

Also, I figured out how to fold them as neatly as compactly as a hoodie (though this picture is all onesies, no hoodies for comparison). Admire the fine craftsmanship regardless. ADMIRE IT.

.

 I also folded a fitted sheet into a perfect little square today. My work experiences are clearly paying off.