THE BIRDS WOULD RATHER DIE THAN LISTEN TO ME COUGHING ANYMORE

Me:
8:28: The birds outside my window woke me up by sounding like they're being strangled by the thousands. I hope you got to wake up to something thoroughly less disturbing and obnoxious. Starships perhaps.
8:35- I just texted Sophie [about the birds] and used the phrase "on the other hand". My rudely awakened brain wrote "on the other ham" and I laughed and laughed. Imagine that was a saying?! The world would be infinitely more hilarious.
8:36- Good news, even though I feel physically worse today than yesterday, mentally I'm better and in good humour.

Hayes:
8:58: I'm glad you mentally feel better but on the other ham I wish you felt physically better.

--- end of texts because I basically died laughing ---

Hahahhahahahhahahahhahaaa! Ham... You guys, it gets me every time!

Shh. I said I felt better in the sense that I was in good humour. Not that I was any less stupid.

I HAVE NEVER SAID THIS EVER BEFORE

"Man! Now I just really want to be in the men's room!"

Actually, I maybe have. That time our Grade 12 history class went on a trip to Ottawa and the lineup for the girls' bathroom at the Timmie's in Renfrew was at least 40 people long and I almost peed my pants I might have shouted that before I got my friend to check if there was anyone in the men's room and then just went there. My memory of the moment is not very clear, I was pretty focused on not letting internal organs explode.

The reason I said this today is because my boyfriend texted me this:

9:37- The pizza place I am working at has the chamber of secrets audiobook playing in the mens bathroom



Um. So weird?

And amazing?

MY FAVOURITE CATEGORY!

Texts to my Boyfriend:

11:46         How many people are required to be clapping for it to qualify as applause?
11:48         That query is the less-morbid cousin of "What do you have to do for your death to be   upgraded from 'murder' to 'assassination'?"
11:50         Every time I ask this I hope the answer gets better than "You have to be in politics"
11:52         I kind of hope you get these out of order. Then it'll be like Mystery Category Jeopardy!